It seems like only yesterday the party would go on forever.
But in just 12 short months,
the place known as America's spring break capitol
has become a virtual ghost town.
Who can forget the devastating attack on Lake Victoria
that left scores of young people dead and a community in shock?
And who could have guessed that this hell on earth
would be wrought by a species of piranha
believed extinct for the last two million years?
A massive eradication program has left these waters,
once teeming with life, silent and dead.
After a massive exodus that left most property abandoned,
the local economy fell into ruin.
Lake Victoria is now a quarantine area.
Only weeds grow on the beaches where thousands once soaked up the sun.
And the only boats that remain are dusty relics littering the shoreline.
As we look back on the anniversary of this tragic event,
we're left to wonder if it happened here,
can it happen again?
And if so...
...where?
Sarah!
Hollering ain't gonna do you a damn bit of good, Clayton.
Yeah.
I got my foot stuck in a rut.
There she is, right there. She's dead.
OK. All right.
That's a big old heifer, ain't it?
Yes, she took second place at County last year.
Damn it! What the hell?
Shine the light on her belly. Shine the light on the belly.
Something's going on.
There's something in there.
Holy flying baby shit!
God damn piece of crap!
I got a lighter.
That smell would knock a buzzard off a gut truck.
- Fuck! - That's the gassiest damn cow I ever...
Ow! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Whoa! Shit!
- Dang it! - Clayton!
Get away!
Aah!
Hey! It's time to get wet again!
- Woo! - Come on down!
Our lifeguards are hot, single,
and ready to party with someone like you!
- You! - Wet 'em down, boys.
So if you wanna cool off, come on down to the hottest hole in town.
- Three words for you... - The Big Wet!
Remember, double D swims free!
Oh, boy. Hold on, cut it, cut it. Cut it.
Cut.
- Hey. - Hi!
I gotta cut somethin' off at the pass.
Here you go. Keep 'em wet.
And are you guys friends of someone?
Maddy.
Get over here and give your stepdad a hug.
Chet, tell me you did not fire our old lifeguards
and replace them with... strippers.
- Water-certified strippers. - Really?
- More than that, pumpkin. - Unbelievable.
Listen. Before your sweet mama died, God rest her soul,
she made me promise her to keep this water park running,
and I am just gonna make sure that I provide for you as well as she did.
I'm your daddy now. We're so lucky to have each other.
Wow, Chet.
Sometimes I think you really believe what's coming out of your mouth.
Come here, doll. You are gonna love this.
"Adult Pool"?
Go ahead.
We are gonna make bank on this!
What do you think?
I think this is a very expensive joke.
The world's first strip bar at a water park?
That's a stroke of genius. Franchising, baby.
- No, no, no, no. - Oh, don't worry about that.
You just throw a little extra chlorine
and sulfuric acid in the pool, sanitizes everything.
Hey, Kiki, why don't you get your shapely ass out of the pool.
Russian. Huh? She's a doctor.
Now keep your eyes over there on the flat screen TV.
I call this the "Cooch Cam," but I'm open to suggestions.
Check it out. Oh...
- That's disgusting. Absolutely not. - Do not touch it.
- I'm getting rid of it. - Don't you touch it!
That's not your call.
Don't you forget that I'm still half owner of this place.
Oh, is that right? Raise your hand if you own 51 percent
of this water park.
Now raise your hand if you're a 49 percent minority owner.
That's you.
- Hey! Hi, ladies. - Hi, Maddy.
- Hey, Maddy. - How are you? What's new?
Well, this is the summer Shelby finally abstains from abstinence.
- Ah! - Shut up!
She's afraid to have sex
because her slutty cousin gave birth to a flipper baby.
Stop it! You're not supposed to say that.
- That didn't happen. - Ooh, here he comes.
The boy who's gonna pop her cherry.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Hey, Maddy. What do you think of all the new changes around here?
- Josh, meet me at the lake. - Hi.
- Come on. - All right. See ya. Cool.
What, am I the last guy to know you're back?
- Hi! - Hey there!
- How are you? I missed you. - Oh, me too.
Bet you wish you were still in grad school for the summer, huh?
- I can't believe what Chet's done. - I know.
This place is everything to me.
Working here, hanging out.
I know. I miss those moments, too. So, look, now that you're back...
Hey, you guys, are you sure that's such a good idea?
Ho!
Whoa!
There better not be any underage drinking going on here.
- Hello, Kyle. - Hey, come on, man. I'm on duty.
I can't be drinking.
We got fireworks, indecent exposure...
...probable drugs.
Definite drugs.
I may just have to write you up.
Hi, Kyle.
I don't see what he has that I don't have.
Six inches and a badge.
I heard you were back in town,
so I figured I'd stop by and say hey.
And I also feel like I should
say something about the last time we talked.
No, you don't have to. Long-distance relationships, they're weird.
- But you're back now. - For the summer.
Should be an interesting summer.
I... I...
- I'm still on duty, so... - OK.
Welcome back.
I had fun at the party tonight.
Yeah, yeah. Me too.
I love the water.
It's, uh, really...
...wet.
What are you thinking about?
Nothin' much.
Hey, let's take off all our clothes and go swimming.
Uh...
OK, cool. Sure. Yeah, all right.
- Turn around. - Oh, right. Sorry.
Shelby?
Shelby!
- You coming in or what? - Yeah, I'm coming.
No funny stuff, OK?
All right.
You want some of this? You want some, huh?
You're not supposed to splash me back!
- What? - I just felt something against me.
- Is that you? - What? What are you talking about?
Ow! What are you? What are you doing?
- I didn't... - Well, whatever it is, I don't like it!
I didn't do anything.
Shelby, where are you going?
I'm cold. I'm getting out.
- Wait. You have to do it. - OK, fine.
OK.
Dear Lord.
- Come on. - OK. Dear Lord.
Please forgive us for what we are about to do.
We each know that having relations before marriage is a sin,
but...
...we know that we will be forgiven...
...for it because...
...we're praying about it.
- Amen. - Amen.
- You can fuck me now. - Amen!
Oh, look at this.
Do you like that?
Aw...
Mine.
Ah.
Don't make me cuff the other one.
We're moving, Travis.
- I know, I know. - No!
Look, you idiot!
- Ashley! You OK? - Yeah.
Water's coming in. Shit!
Give me the key for the cuff!
- Uh, it must've fallen out. - Find it! Now!
Where is it?!
Shit, shit, shit, shit. Shit. Damn it!
Where's the key for the damn cuff?!
- I should go for help. - No!
- I can't see anything! I'm sorry! - Ashley!
Hit the dome light and keep looking.
Shit!
What are you doing?! Get over here!
- Ashley! - I'm gonna go for help!
Get back here! What are you doing?!
Ashley! Damn!
Travis?
Travis!
Ow!
There's something in the water!
Help!
Anybody!
Somebody help me! Ashley!
Travis? Come on, are you there?
Travis?
Travis!
- Ashley! - Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Oh, my... Help! Oh, my God!
Please! Is anybody out there?
Anybody?!
I'm sorry. I just...
No, it's cool. I don't mind hanging out.
No, it's not you. It's just that...
Do you think Ashley's prettier than me?
- No. - Most guys do.
Yeah, well, I've never really been into girls with big breasts.
Aw.
Welcome back, Maddy.
Dave?
What the fuck you doing?
The hole where the water comes out.
- Oh, God, man. - She's so wet!
Hey, Shelby, have you seen Ashley or Travis?
Neither one of them punched in this morning.
No, I haven't seen either of them.
I don't know.
Just a sec.
- You OK? - I just feel a little weird. It's OK.
- Here, let me help you. - No, no, I'm fine. Really.
You OK?
Whoa! Look who has morning sickness!
Nice work, papa.
Nobody was inside, Shel. I'm sure they're fine.
Probably just shaken up and scared they're gonna get in trouble.
Oh, my God. Come on, Ash. Pick up!
- Hey, it's Ash. Leave a message. - Shit! Call me!
Is there... Is there anywhere else they might've gone or?
No, I don't... I'm just... I'm just gonna go.
Ashley's my best friend.
I mean... I know she's kind of a slut,
and she's stolen 11 of my ex-boyfriends and...
...I'm pretty sure she also stole a pair of earrings
that my grandmother gave me before she died, but...
...we were like sisters.
What is that?
Oh, my God.
We have to get off of this thing right now. Hurry!
Come on, Shelby!
Get out! Come on!
Shelby, grab my hand!
Quick, come on, I've got you!
Hurry, come on. Let's go!
Come on! Quickly!
Let's go! We're almost there!
Careful!
No, no, no! Come back, Shelby!
Come here! Come this way, quick!
You're gonna have to jump!
- Come on, you're gonna have to jump. - Maddy, I can't jump from here!
Let's go!
Come on, it's just a foot!
Grab my hand! I got you!
What is this thing?
Maddy?
What the fuck is that?
Ugh.
- Fuck. Oh, shit. - Oh, my God!
Is that a fucking piranha?
My father worked construction on Carson Dam.
They found fossils like this when they first broke ground.
He gave me this one for my eighth birthday.
I'm telling you, man, it was a piranha.
How'd they get from Lake Victoria to our lake?
That's what we've gotta find out.
What?
Look at us.
The cop and the marine biologist.
I'm sorry. That just sounds like a shitty sitcom.
The Cop and The Marine Biologist.
You're still wet.
A little, yeah.
Guys, can one of you open the door?
Kyle, open the door.
Little man.
That's funny.
Dick.
Who are you? Why are you here?
- Sir, we saw you on YouTube. - You and 11 million, 486 other people.
I have 700 more hits
than the Laughing Diarrhea Baby.
Uh, we need your expertise, Mr. Goodman.
Why?
We think they're back.
Cross Lake isn't even connected to Lake Victoria.
The piranha must be migrating through underground lakes and rivers.
I've studied this specimen for almost a year.
Here, Meanie.
I think you might find this interesting.
- You need some help? - Yeah.
OK, this is galvanized steel,
like ordinary household plumbing.
There we go.
Aha! Now, for some incentive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
No, no, no, not the frog. Aah!
Sorry, I... sold out of puppies this morning.
OK...
Now, I think this is quite resourceful. Watch.
Come on, come on, come on.
Now it's got something to grab.
Oh, dear! Fuck!
Barry, are you crazy?! You almost lost a hand!
I had a pet frog once.
Come on. OK. Come here.
Really?
Now check out some data.
What were you thinking?
These piranha spent eons
living in underground lakes and rivers
full of sulfur dioxide from all the geothermal activity.
That's how they come back to spawn.
- They follow the rotten egg smell. - Yes.
Problem is, sulfur dioxide is commonly released
during the treatment of chlorinated water.
So it's conceivable that the fish could become...
...confused...
...and try to enter man-made drainage systems.
Especially with all the shocking
abundance of backyard pools.
Our water park drains directly into Cross Lake.
That's like the equivalent of a thousand swimming pools.
Oh, that would be a very bad thing.
Did you tell anyone that this could happen?
I tried. Unfortunately, I lost some credibility
after my last book foretold a dreadful plague of walking fish.
Oh, that's right!
You wrote Fish Walk Among Us. I loved that book.
That's really great.
Why, thank you...
...kindred spirit.
Mm-hm.
Thanks.
Barry... you, uh...
You read a marine biology book?
Well, I wanted to see what you're so interested in.
Guys, we've gotta check the drains over the outflow pipes in the lake, tonight.
I could get a dive team up here from Tempe by tomorrow.
No, that's too late.
The water park opens tomorrow, that place is gonna be packed.
If the fish are getting through the drain system...
That would make Lake Victoria look like an appetizer.
Guys, we've gotta get out there right now.
Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Goodman.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, sir. Honor.
- OK. Be well. - It's a pleasure...
Aha! 11 million, 888 hits!
Take that, Laughing Diarrhea Baby!
Two Merkin teens, Ashley Sorby and Travis Mitchell,
were reported missing this morning
after their van was pulled out of Cross Lake.
Thanks for letting me stay here.
It's totally cool.
How you feeling?
- A little better. - You don't seem any better.
Hey, what is it?
It's just the stress of the whole Ashley thing and...
Make love to me.
- Please. - Right now?
Please, Josh.
Right now. I...
I think something's really wrong with me,
and I... if I don't...
If I don't get better, I don't want to die a virgin.
Please, Josh.
I want it to be with you.
Just come inside me.
Come inside me, I'll do whatever you say after that.
The outflow pipes down there link directly to the water park.
I've gotta check them out.
You've considered how batshit crazy this is, right?
I've gotta take a look. I'll be quick.
Um, look, about what I was trying to say last night...
Are you coming in? Because I could really use a spotter.
- What? - I mean, if you're... It's OK.
No, no, no, I'm not scared. It's just, um...
...I can't swim.
You work at a water park and you can't swim?
Ding-ding.
What about all the beach parties in high school,
or the parties at the park? You never?
My God, Barry, I totally would've taught you how to swim.
No, yeah, I know. You seemed kind of busy at the time.
Not a big deal.
Toss me that flashlight.
Yes, I know. That's what I said, Chet, but she won't listen.
All right, I'll find you.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
No.
You, uh, let her go in there alone?
Fuck off, Kyle.
Oh, yes, Barry can't swim.
Maddy!
- Maddy! - Maddy!
Swim, Maddy!
- Shit. - Get out of the way! Get back!
- Are you OK? - I think so.
Don't worry. I won't break.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
No, it's OK, it's OK. I like it.
Go on.
- Oh, God, Shelby. - Fuck me.
- Aah... - Oh, my God. Yes!
- Oh, God. - Oh, God, Shelby.
No, something's not right. No, please!
No, something's wrong, something's wrong!
Oh, my God.
No, something's wrong!
Almost there! Almost there!
What the fuck?
What the fuck is on my dick?!
Oh, my...
Oh! Oh, my God!
What the fuck?! Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, Jesus!
Josh?
I'm feeling a little better now.
Josh?
I think I had an accident.
Josh?
Josh, what are you doing?
Oh, my God.
Josh?
What the hell did you do to me?!
Oh...
You were almost going 70 back there, buddy.
Don't you have someplace better to be?
Like boning my stepdaughter?
I'll get to that. First things first.
You're all good.
- For now. - Oh, you looking for a raise?
With any luck, your little theme park's gonna take off,
and I won't have to live off a deputy's salary forever.
So... we're good here?
Yeah. Did you check those outflow pipes at the lake?
Maddy did. Nearly got herself killed.
What about the grates? Are they still intact?
Should be good. Unless there's another way into the park.
Like that bootleg well you drilled.
- Don't you worry about that. - I do worry, Chet.
I'm the one protecting your unlawful ass.
Let me tell you something.
Why don't you worry about keeping Maddy and Johnny Law off my ass, all right?
- I'll take care of my water park. - OK.
- Have a nice night, Deputy. - You, too, Chet.
Oh, by the way...
- What in the hell's this? - I told you you were speeding.
- Are you shitting me? - Just doing my job.
You're a crooked cop.
What a night, huh?
So, um... you and Kyle.
You guys are gonna get back together, or?
No. Definitely not.
I don't... I don't think so. Probably not.
You really ran the gamut of indecisiveness on that one,
- you know that, right? - Yeah, I kind of did, didn't I?
Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.
He should be coming to shortly, so the nurse is gonna take you guys back there.
You guys can probably go.
Josh is still sedated, and I'm gonna stick around to get a statement.
I'll let you guys know if I find anything out, OK?
How's Shelby?
She's not making a whole lot of sense right now,
but I'll keep an eye on her, too.
- What about you? You all right? - I'm pretty tired.
Get some rest and I'll call you.
# I'm the love hunter
# Hear what I say
# Get on your knees
# Learn how to pray
# 'Cause the love hunter's comin'
# To take you away
# The love hunter's comin'
# Today...
That is so sad.
Come to bed, Hoffy. It's nappy time.
# I am the love hunter
# Hear what I say
# Looks like Dawn
# Is ready to play...
I'm Rochelle.
I'm Dawn.
Right.
# I am the love hunter
# Two chicks for me
# 'Cause I am the biggest star on TV #
Yeah! Yeah, let's party!
Welcome to rock bottom.
Excuse me. Can we? Please? Thank you.
Wait.
I don't know if I can do this.
All you gotta do, take baby steps.
Just little baby steps.
What the hell you talking about baby steps for?
In case you haven't noticed, fish ate my damn legs.
I hate the water. I hate it.
Remember what Dr. Smith said.
This is all about our road to recovery.
We'll start out with a harmless little kiddie pool.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
A couple kids whizzing, that's all.
Kids whizzing?
I can handle that.
I'm not afraid of some punk-ass water.
I can't.
Don't worry about it. We'll figure out something else.
- Uh... - No, it's weak.
Dump me in the water.
- What? - You heard what I said.
Get behind the chair, grab the handles,
and dump my sorry ass in the water.
The way that parents toss their kids into the pool when they wanna swim?
That's a great idea. OK.
All right, I can do this. Here we go.
- One, two... - Just stop!
OK. OK, right. What happened?
- Why'd you stop? - You said stop.
No, don't listen to my pussy-ass mouth.
No matter what I say, dump me in the water.
OK, got it. Not gonna listen to your pussy-ass mouth.
I mean, you don't have a pussy-ass mouth, I'm just saying...
- Dump me in the water. - OK, OK. Here we go.
- One, two... - Ah, shit. No, no, I changed my mind!
- No, no, no, you're going in. - No, I changed my mind.
- I don't wanna go in the water. - You're going in.
- No, I don't wanna go in! - Hey!
- You're going! - No!
- Leave him alone! - No, no, no, he wants to go in.
No, the hell I do. I don't wanna go in.
What's wrong with you? Don't push that poor legless stump into the pool.
Yeah, that's right, don't dump this poor legless stump in the pool.
OK, you know what? You're gonna go into the water.
No, I don't wanna go!
Not cool, man.
I'm not afraid of some punk-ass water.
Not cool at all.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
hot moms of all ages,
welcome to The Big Wet!
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The most famous lifeguard of all time.
Who wants to party with the Hoff?
Welcome, David Hasselhoff!
Here he is, David Hasselhoff!
Ladies.
You know, ladies, if you play your cards right,
you might get some private mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
All right, without any further ado...
...let's all get wet and wild!
I'll show you to your stand.
How you ladies doing? Good? Yeah!
Oh, yeah. Look at this. Whoa, I'm in love!
Come on, take a photo with me. Get over here, come over here.
Right here. Come right here. Yeah, baby!
Yeah, you're beautiful.
You will never drown, and you're beautiful.
Do a little mouth-to-mouth.
No way!
Woo!
All right. All right, ladies, thank you very much.
Good-bye now.
I knew it.
What are you doing back here, Maddy?
I saw this when I was taking inventory,
but I didn't think to ask why it was here until now.
We pump our own water now. Fuck the utilities, right?
You can't fill this water park off a well.
It's not a standard well.
We drilled down a whole lot further, hit an underwater lake.
We got enough water to last us till kingdom come.
- You have no idea what you've done. - Oh, sure I do.
- Got us a nice big fat profit. - You don't understand!
You could be pumping piranha straight through the water intake pipes!
Maddy, it's opening day.
I have shelled out $100,000,
and you want me to close shop because there might,
just might, be piranha in the pipe?
What else? Ghosts? Bogeymen?
Sharks? Snakes? You're laughable.
Laughable.
Come on, kid.
You've been watching too many movies, little girl.
You should read romance novels.
Are we done? I got work to do.
- Mommy, I got bit. - Let me see.
Oh, honey, you just scraped yourself on something.
Go tell the lifeguard, he'll get you a Band-Aid.
- No, no, it was a piranis. - It was not a piranha.
You've heard too many people talking about piranha. Now scoot.
Hello.
- Hey! - Hey.
I got bit by a piranis.
- What's your name, kid? - David.
David?
That's pretty cool. That's my name, too.
- Here you go. - What...
- What's this? - It's an autograph.
Can I just have a Band-Aid?
Wait a minute.
- You don't know who I am? - No.
- You never saw Baywatch? - Mm-mm.
Running in slow motion?
How about Knight Rider?
- No. - Talking car?
Anaconda 3? Jekyll & Hyde on Broadway?
- Hey, hey! - What?
- Mr. Hasselhoff! - Back off, Toro!
I'm talkin' to my main man here. Huh? It's OK.
You really have no idea who I am?
Yeah. You're a lifeguard. And I need a Band-Aid.
Can I get a Band-Aid for my main man David here, please?
SpongeBob?
I'm just gonna get a Band-Aid somewhere else.
I'm a lifeguard.
- Are you OK? - I saw a fish, in the splash pool.
I know this is crazy, but it was a piranha like the ones on the news.
I swear to God!
Hey! Everybody out of the pool! Out of the pool!
Hey, hey! You have to get them out of the pool right now!
Hey! No running!
Game over, Chet. We gotta shut the water park down right now.
What part of "no fucking way" don't you hear?
A woman saw a piranha in the splash pool.
Did you see it?
- Did you see it? - No, but...
You've got nothing. That's what but.
I'm evacuating this water park whether you like it or not.
- Maddy, Maddy, Maddy, Maddy. - Take care of this, will you?
Chet's right, OK? You're just gonna cause more panic.
- I'm sorry. Whose side are you on? - I'm on the side of being calm.
Let's just go check things out, OK?
You don't believe me. I'm the one who called you
and you don't fucking believe me?
Come on, kids, get out of the pool.
Please, get out of the water park. Please just get out of the water.
Hang on, I can't...
- I can't let you do that. OK? - Let go of me!
What the fuck you doing, man? Let her go.
Hey, what are you gonna do, Shark Boy? Huh?
Poke me with your fucking trident?
Let me give you a little piece of advice, buddy.
You're gonna need a bigger one.
Come on!
Oh, my God.
Get out of the water!
Come on, go! Go!
I can't believe it. They're back! They're back.
They'll find you. They'll always fucking find you. No matter where you go!
Help!
Bring me my legs.
Titanium, motherfuckers.
Eat this.
Get out of there!
- I hate the water. - I hate the fish.
Help me! Help! Help me!
Hey! People are dying! You're a lifeguard, do something!
I'm not a lifeguard, never was one.
Help! Help me! Help, lifeguard!
There's still kids going down those slides!
Once these idiots get out of the water,
it's not as if the fish are gonna follow them home.
Help me! Help!
Help me!
You went back in the water.
You little ginger moron.
Mitch! You're a lifeguard, Mitch!
Holy fuck!
I'm getting old.
I got ya!
Yeah!
I made a rescue.
I actually made a rescue.
Can you put me down now?
Chet!
Do you see 'em? Do you see 'em now?
We've gotta drain the pools.
Hey, Barry! Since you can't swim,
I need you to go to the pump house and force-drain the pools.
- I've never done that before. - It's easy.
The levers, they're all the way down. You push 'em straight up.
- OK, got it. - All right, thank you.
Wait, wait.
I just want you to know that whatever happens,
I've loved you since seventh grade. I always will.
I thought you were gay.
Really?
I've gotta get out of here.
It's not my fault.
Ah!
What the fuck?!
Get off me.
Barry, dude, come over here, please, man!
Look at my ass!
- Holy shit! - Whatever it is, just get it out!
OK. This is gonna hurt. Ready?
One, two...
OK, come on! We gotta get to the pump!
Sorry, kid.
It's not my fault!
Oh, shit!
Move out of the way!
Move it! Move it!
OK, listen. I need you to get all the first aid supplies
and bring 'em outside. Got it? You got it, go.
I need first aid.
- Maddy! - Ah! Help me!
- Maddy! Maddy! Maddy, come here! - Help me!
I didn't know. I promise you, I didn't know.
- What are you talking about? - The well.
Chet promised me that he'd give me 35 percent of the profits
if I turned a blind eye.
Just help me. Get me out of here, please!
- I didn't know that... - Kyle, please!
- Please, just help me! - The blood.
- Help me! - The blood!
- Kyle, please! - I can't. I can't do this.
- I'm sorry. - No, no, don't, don't!
Please help me!
- Where's Maddy? Where's Maddy?! - She's gone, I couldn't save her!
- Help me! Help! - Maddy! Maddy!
OK...
Be a man, Kyle. Be a man. Be a man.
Be a man, Kyle!
Maddy!
Oh, I can't swim! Help!
Oh!
This was a bad idea.
Barry?
Save a life, save a life. Save a life, Kyle.
Be the hero!
I got you! Oh, my God!
Get out of the pool! Oh, my God!
Medic!
I need a medic!
Maddy!
Maddy.
Nobody munches on Big Dave's ass, bitch!
ˇAdiós, pescados!
Woo hoo-hoo-hoo!
How the hell did you buy that shotgun leg?
With the money I saved on socks.
- Hello? - Maddy!
You're not gonna believe this.
I was right. They're evolving.
They're learning to walk.
Yeah, I know.
David!
David! Get away from that thing!
Mom, it's OK. They're slow on land.
Oh, my God!
Little ginger moron.
# I'm the fish hunter
# You are my prey
# Swim all you want
# You won't get away
# 'Cause the fish hunter's comin'
# To catch you today
# Fish hunter's comin'your way
# With my trident I'm comin' to slay
# I'm the fish hunter You are my prey #
Fish hunter!
...lakes, rivers...
...full of sulfur... oxide.
Look, guys, we've gotta check the grates over the outflow pipes...
Look, guys, we've gotta check the drains over the outflow...
Fuck me.
Fish hunter!
Jesus Christ. OK.
Can we get a little tighter?
He's gonna take his glasses off.
Right, either that or I was gonna wait for the drums to come and...
...do that.
You ginger little moron.
You ginger... You...
- "You little ginger moron." - "You little ginger moron."
OK. Fuck. All right.
You ginger little moron.
Why are you laughing?
I don't know.
# I'm the love hunter #
Oh, God!
Hello?
The camera, where is it? There it is.
Action.
We're the place with no fish...
Oh, here we go again. One, two, three, ready?
We're the place with no fish, but plenty of tail.
Piranha? What?
That's the wrong place to put it, right? OK, here we go, once again.
What's the line?
Come on down and cool off at the hottest hole in town.
Ready? Come on down...
Are you serious? $15! $15!
Are you serious? Film him now!
And just keep your hand in the middle like that.
OK, don't do the hand because that became too 3D.
- Do you want me to start with it out? - It was 3 double-D!
How the hell did they get in here?
Even if they're the same grizzly bears?
- Winky face! - I hate you both.
I'm OK with that.
- Oh! - Action.
Give me five, brother.
- Who's that? - My mom.
- She's kind of cute. - Yeah, she's got some talent.
- She what? - She has some talent.
Your mom has talent? Wow.
She's pretty hot.
Yeah, don't even try it.
Best sticks in the business.
# Years ago... #
I'm wet all the time. You wanna get wetter,
come on down and cool off at the hottest hole in town.
Mine! Ooh, that won't make the movie.
We should add that to the movie.
# Two chicks for me
# 'Cause I'm the biggest star on... #
Who are you? What are you doing?
Wha... Oh, my God, you're not Dawn.
The flying squirrel.
The Hoff in bed.
That's why I'm in this wheelchair.
Guys, we're rolling. Camera is rolling.
We are set. Let's do this thing.
For God's sakes, watch the...
- Settle down. - I'm down, man, I'm so fucking down.
Action!
David! David, get away from that thing!
Mom, it's OK, they're slow.
Stand up, stand up. Go, "Help me!"
Help me!
- And... cut. - Nice.
That, my darling, is what natural selection's all about.